一直都知道自己是個非黑即白的人，年輕時說的時候，還自以為得意，總覺得你們這些被社會污染的成年人已經看不清楚黑與白，或是沒有勇氣選擇黑與白。
記得20幾歲時的主管告訴我，這個世界還有所謂的灰色，我要學習什麼灰色，那時候的我，心裡輕佻的想『我不要成為墮落的大人』。而如今的我想，是黑是白或是灰，不都是相嗎？而相無法常駐，如果其中定義的是善惡，那善惡也在不同的時空被改變定義，而我抓的那麼用力，衝撞的這麼用力，到最後的目的是什麼？大概是成就對自己感覺良好的相吧！
如果黑與白沒有絕對的定義，那可以依侍的準則又是什麼？我想是『慈悲心』吧！當依著慈悲心，其作為可以是黑、是白、或是灰。當依著慈悲心黑、白、灰的結果，怎麼看都是對的結果。
而我不住想到我那所有的衝撞，因為我把所有的行為、或事物的本體都下了顏色，而我像是一個舉著正義火炬的使者，想要將一切糾正成我認為對的顏色，天知道我的色盲還不是普通的嚴重，於是我費盡所有的力氣，一副我道必孤的先行者姿態，搞的自己身心俱乏，甚至腹背受敵，可不可以再戰，當然可以，我那永不言退的戰鬥心障礙。但我不禁要想，『如果是對的事，它就不該至麼難』，我可以自以為自己看到的才是實相，我可以不回頭的勇往直前，但沒有慈悲心的顏色是色盲、沒有慈悲心的行動是破壞。
這兩天我還在對某個人工作上難纏的情緒中鬼打牆，我放不下放不過，於是做了個自他互換的小小練習，於是我發現我也沒那麼生氣了，他所做的是在他位置上很直覺想到的反應，或許不夠智慧，但我自己的智慧也不到家，我舉著我是對的大旗，就以為該當所有向無敵，我沒有思考他的想法脈絡、然後以足夠的智慧去尋求雙贏。自他互換需要慈悲心的練習，否則真的很難願意互換，因為我們總有著我是對的、你有你的問題是你的事，為什麼我要去幫以想你的問題，於是我們落入衝撞，到最後誰也討不了便宜。
大概最近參禪求進步，老天馬上讓我的自他互換實驗看到結果，這個讓我過不去的某人，今天像沒事人一樣跟我請教私人問題，哈，我馬上會心一笑，對，鬼打牆的是我，不管工作上的事有沒有在他心上落下來了，我要是繼續糾纏苦了我自己，我就是白癡（但是我得承認自己還是有點過不去）；也還好我的自他互換在昨天想開了一點，所以我也大方的為他解答私人問題，於是一切又可以回到好的循環。
當我們舉著對錯大旗的同時，不可以被挑戰的到底是對錯還是『我』？黑白灰可以幫助我看清實相、還是慈悲心？ 下一次的我會重複問自己一樣的問題。
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