十幾年前我對剛從學校畢業沒幾年的同事說「我是你同事，不是你朋友」，這句話讓我們後來幾年共事愉快，所有的考量都以如何完成工作為優先，沒有個人的撒嬌或小情緒，一起作的案子品質都得到肯定，自然感情越來越好，直到她離職那天，她問我「所有我算是你朋友嗎？」「當然是啊，傻蛋」。
一進入工作狀態，我的腦袋就異常清醒，沒有那麼多的情感牽絆，但工作總有休息的片段，工作以外我們也還是人，於是常常讓部屬有點錯愕，倒底我們是什麼樣的關係，在我心裡的答案「領導關係」，但我關心你的一切，以求你在工作上有最佳表現。
最近一個部屬因為未經授權擅自代表部門決定，我說了些嚴厲的話，於是玻璃心大爆發，在理智上我管不了你玻璃心爆發，我也不會去安撫你，這就是工作，錯了就是錯了。在情感上，我知道她很信任我，不論是工作或私事都對我掏心掏肺，而我也願意給她建議，希望她整體越來越好，但是這或許也讓她忘了分際。
我跟Billy不斷培養感情，雖然愛不斷加深，但最終是希望他能聽話，而真的把我放在心上，在遇到危險的時後，信任我多過於他的直覺。我最近在思考為什麼教不會Billy不要咬我，我後來觀察，其實是我在邀請他咬我。剛開始我對於跟馬有太親暱的動作諸如—親馬、把臉靠在馬臉，是有點抗拒的，但隨著感情加溫這些動作就自然而然的越做越多，而對他而言這就是一種邀請，之前他認為我是老大不能沒大沒小，而慢慢他認為這些動作就是玩伴，甚至是母馬對公馬的愛慕，於是他做的其實是回應，所以他不理解，為什麼他回應我的邀請，我卻責罰他。這幾天當我停止了這些親暱動作，僅僅用手撫摸他的鼻梁表示感情時，他似乎理解到這就是我要的距離，也停止了試圖咬我的舉動。（Billy的咬都是耳朵向前友善的小啄，他從來沒有耳朵向後生氣的對過我示威，當馬耳朵向後時的咬通常就是大咬了）。
所以追根咎底是我讓分際模糊了，我想要守規矩的部屬，又想要有私交，但魚與熊掌不可兼得，Billy直接的反饋讓我理解到是我給予錯誤的期待。如果我像十幾年前的我把界線畫清楚，直到離職那刻同事都還謹守分際，我還是可以關心他們，對他們付出感情，但卻可以減少很多無謂的傷害。
人可以溝通，卻不願說，馬無法溝通，我只能更用心看、思考，於是我從馬身上學會如何當一個稱職的領導。
p.s.
因為腰傷從來沒有完全痊癒再加上意外頻傳，我決定停一個月不騎他。但我發現越不騎他他就常常忘了誰是老大，於是我便Lunge（我在中心點不動，他繞著我跑）他，lunge是提醒他如果我要他跑他就得跑，我要他停他就得停，如果我不動卻能叫他動，很明顯我是老大。每回lunge完他都乖的像貓一樣，頭低到不行的在我身後亦步亦趨，都想告訴他不用那麼孬，帶他去草原還會轉身確定他真的可以去玩嗎？ 帶他回去的路上也會乖的低頭不敢造次。但我要是不lunge他，他可抬頭挺胸了，帶他去草原，他一玩的開心就忘了我是誰，雖然乖乖的聽話回家，也乖乖的讓我上繩子，但他就情不自禁大興奮的想咬我。追根究底還是leadership，當他知道我是那個移動他的腳的人，他就知道我是老大，再開心也不能在老大面前沒大沒小。當他忘了我是老大時，他以為我是他的玩伴，他開心的要咬我一起玩，雖然初衷不差，但是我不喜歡這樣的行為，所以還是不能溺愛。
有人說馬跟人的領導一樣嗎？ 誰的團隊裡沒幾個不聽話的孩子，只要讓他清楚我是那個移動他的腳的人、要他照著辦的人，他就知道誰是老大。
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