我住的這一區是荷蘭有名的養馬育種區，很多國際級的大型育馬場設在這，方便彼此馬而交配，強強聯手才能交配出奧運級的馬。當然也因為出了個奧運dressage金牌得主，所以這裡馬都是為了爭得比賽名次的的百萬名駒。百萬名駒的生活很奢華，在荷蘭冷氣不是普遍的設備，一般住家都不見得有，在這馬卻是住在有冷氣空調的馬廄中，在一次的Youtube節目中，一位Youtuber探究了馬場的內部，我一邊訝異於那乾淨到像樣品屋的馬廄，卻也替馬覺得惋惜，原來那場外一大片草原近乎裝飾，偶爾馬或許可以一天出來在草原放風一個小時，理由是「「我們怕馬在放風過程中受傷」，我可以想見，馬大概沒有機會被一大群放在草原，大概只能一兩隻在外面卻彼此隔著欄杆避免互相傷害。他從出生的第一天就是這麼被養大，無微不至的保護，訓練、比賽，直到退休那天他才能真的活得像一匹馬，我突然閃過一個念頭，有多少人的人生也像這樣？
我的童年在台灣北部的一個鄉下地方長大，30幾年前那裡盡是稻田、池塘，我的玩伴就是哥哥還有鄰居小孩，一起控蕃薯、抓青蛙、被狗追，為了太想烤肉大家集體解散回家偷媽媽冰箱，為了跟大孩子一起去探險，摔了好幾次也要學會騎腳踏車，每天都玩得全身髒兮兮，然後再回家被媽媽慘電，因為這樣長大，我從來沒覺得身為女孩子有什麼不行，男孩玩得我也照玩阿！因為這樣，從小就不斷動腦筋幹幹小壞事，一切只因為好玩。我沒有學鋼琴、不會跳芭蕾，因為我老媽也不懂這些，也沒有壞朋友慫恿她該怎麼教小孩，所以我就這麼快樂的長大，充滿記憶的長大。大概是因為我是這樣長大的，再加上本來我對Billy就沒有什麼期待，養他是希望我們彼此快樂，不是要他當第一名，所以即使他每天把自己搞的髒兮兮，我刷他刷的甘之如飴，偶爾被其他的馬咬傷了，我只會跟他說不要受大傷、要會保護自己，這是他的遊戲，他愛玩就得傷的起。我和Billy都是這樣的粗生粗養。
我一直以為我的童年跟其他人的童年沒什麼差異，直到高中時有同學問我「你是住在哪裡阿？怎麼可以這樣玩？」，我才知道原來很多人的遊戲場只在家裡的頂樓、或陽台。我的童年有著一群跟我很不相似的玩伴，有會到處打架的鄰居哥哥，有罵起髒話不嘴軟的鄰居姐姐，有這群人不喜歡那群人的暴力威脅，還有從小就要被要求選邊站的恐懼，因為我是團體裡年紀最小的幾個，這一切對我來說真是無比衝擊，還好還有幾個總是拿獎狀的哥哥姐姐，我們玩得是「當老師」。年紀小小的我彷彿已經開始學習社會的縮影，所以當我青少年暑假去打工時，我總是很會看眼色，也很機靈，知道怎麼扮演好自己的角色，並且拿到果子吃。
高中以後的我跟著一群很相似的人長大，大家都是好學生，大家都很努力的力爭上游，幹過最壞的壞事是玩碟仙，現在想來果真是一點殺傷力都沒有，當初卻怕的要死。從那之後我的人生慢慢的失去了背骨的勇氣，好好唸書，然後就會找到一份好工作，然後就會人生一帆風順，這好像是一條應許之路，我有點害怕不走在一樣的道路會不會出事。在高中時，小時候的鄰居姐姐跟我聯絡上了，她過著跟我的世界完全不同的人生，她講著在工廠上班的夜班人生，講著鄰居的誰誰誰進了監獄，我的心是有很大的衝擊的，那種好不一樣的人生，是我小小的腦袋無法承受的重量。
曾幾何時，我也變成了被圈養著、訓練有素的比賽馬，乖乖工作、 努力越來越優秀，就像倉鼠般在滾輪上不停的跑著，在我熟悉世界的遊戲規則中，我肯定能活得好好的，但如果把我丟到不同的世界，我會不會被咬的傷痕累累一點自我防備力都沒有？老實說，我真的不太懂得什麼叫沒有界線的奔跑，如果什麼都可以做的時候，到底要做什麼？我不想等到退休才活的像個人，所以這幾年我不斷的把自己丟出舒適圈，體驗什麼叫沒有目標也很快樂，學習在一個群體中的新角色而不靠職稱收入當識別證。如果怕就去試試看，試到不怕，騎馬教我的，摔下來就爬上去，如果不克服這個恐懼，就一輩子被恐懼操控，殺不死你的必使你強大。
40初頭歲是有疑惑跟不安的，生命也永遠寬容的給予選擇，是要當粗生粗養的野馬，還是當囿於方寸的冠軍馬？ 我想兩個「都很好」，什麼選擇「都很好」，什麼結果「都很好」，但不要怕，但還要繼續遊戲，要有跌倒了再爬起來的勇氣，加油！
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